Four Weddings And A.....Sartorial Nightmare

Gareth: Scarlotta! Fabulous dress. The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange symbolizing the mystical symbiosis in marriage between the heathen and Christian traditions?

Scarlett: That's right.

I just love a wedding. However, the one time I ever wish that I was a man is when it comes to getting ready for someone else's impending nuptials. What bliss to know exactly what you will be wearing (as long as it's back from the dry cleaners) and to just change your tie and socks around a bit. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of people who get wedding dressing right.

There is A LOT to think about, while also trying to look like yourself and not like you've PANICKED...which is often the case with me.

 The weather is the main thing that foxes me. Followed by the footwear issue. In this green and pleasant land we are always in between rainy days and one often finds ones rather smart (always uncomfortable) shoes either sinking into a lawn or being scuffed by a portaloo stairwell. And I'm yet to master the wedge. In the case of erratic weather, the key is to be prepared. I recently found myself in a wind tunnel outside the church and just as the photographer was snapping away - whoosh - up went my skirt, hair wrapped itself around my face and I looked like a pygmy warrior going in to battle.  Only a safety pin could save me.  A torrential down pour just before arriving at the chapel is a disaster - nice weather for Duckfaces but absolutely not for ones brand new crepe silk de chine dress. This situation can only be remedied with an umbrella. Is it still raining?  I had totally noticed.

Then there are the cardinal rules you have to honour and obey.... Never wear white. Don't upstage the bride or groom - (it should be perfectly obvious you're neither) Don't go too short, don't go too long. Don't wear a veil. Don't let me drink too much, because I'll get really flirty. Another one which people often only tell me - never go see through. Sorry, why not? (Apparently nothing worse than a priest with an...anyway) So for chicks, it's a sartorial minefield of pitfalls and patches...a rocky terrain, a divet ridden lawn, a raffia marquee floor if you will, which I for one am currently navigating my way over and around.

Then before every wedding I go to, someone says to me 'Odds on, you meet your future husband at dinner' and when hoping for a table of Dishes, you're then faced with the ghosts of boyfriends past at every turn - so you want to look your very best.  The pressure to look really splendid is really on for those rare and unpredictable cases of Thunderbolt City. You want some dreamboat to say 'Well you look perfect, in fact you probably are perfect.' Not 'I'm sure I can resist you, you're not that cute.'

Also the chances of seeing the same people in the same outfit ratio is pretty high when it comes to weddings. How can I be sure that someone won't turn up in the same thing and leave me feeling that I should be where other people are not? Essentially you want to forget about your outfit, feel like a slightly better version of yourself, enjoy it and think 'this, is a bloody great wedding.'

So in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version...in the words of David Cassidy, in fact, while he was still with the Partridge family...it has to be weather proof, boy proof, girl proof, dance floor proof, bride proof and actually car proof for when someone very generously offers you a lift from the church but you're squashed in the back with a baby seat and dog hair. On the way back to The Lucky Boatman when you're drunkenly singing Tammy Wynette it doesn't matter a jot but when you arrive at the reception line up already looking crumpled, it's just not a good start to the day. And you can't fit a travel iron into a clutch bag.
Believe me, I've tried.

Having had the absolute honour of going to (actually more than) Four Weddings in the last two months, (not a chance of any guest stealing the thunder of these blissful brides - Queens of Sheba every one, not a meringue in sight) I decided to prepare my wedding wardrobe having noticed I'm turning into a bit of a serial monogamist with my clothes, it's one dress after the other...never quite content with my sartorial choices. 

So,well, I thought it over a lot, you know, and this year I wanted to get it just right so after much deliberating I turned to my bible...Vogue - whose altar I worship at. Seeing the following spread on pink, the colour of love (in the words of John Lennon, love is the answer and you know that for sure) I decided to wear variations on a theme for each wedding I attended. What follows are, mainly portaloo shots of my outfits. If you can see any reason why I shouldn't have worn any of them to a wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace. 

JULY VOGUE - THINK PINK

WEDDING ONE

Portaloo shot one. Unfortunately the first outfit was the same colour as the bridesmaids dresses, (unforeseen issue) I couldn't work out why the ushers kept telling me it was time for photographs. 

 Alice McCall two piece
Anya Hindmarch Valorie Glitter Clutch
Ring from Accesorize
Christian Louboutin Nude Decollete Pumps

Headgear by Eugenia Kim

WEDDING TWO

Slightly see through vintage trousers. Not obeying the rules.
Alice McCall Scallop Top
Trousers from Lime Green Bow
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon Bag in ecclesiastical purple
Miu Miu Glitter Heels found on Ebay

WEDDING THREE

Portaloo shot two. My Barbie True Love outfit. Not too mad I hope. I did glitter, feathers, baby pink and shoes with hearts on, all at once. It did feel like slight overkill, but by the end of the evening...a few grass stains, a Moscow mule spill and a few splashes of that blue stuff in portaloos and it looked perfectly dishevelled. Not so much True Love but Barbie through a hedge backwards anyone? 

Dress by Karla Spetic
Feather Coat from By Malene Birger
Anya Hindmarch Valorie Glitter Clutch
Shoooooes from Christian Louboutin

With my parents, before the discovery of the Espresso Martinis. My mother in Pagan orange.

Luckily my dress happened to match the smoke bombs. I love it when that happens.

FOUR WEDDINGS!

I slightly deviated from the pink thing here as it was all getting a bit sickly sweet and I needed a break. Ooooooor so I thought....

Dress from Suno
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon again
Miu Miu T Bar Glitter Shoes

Bring me my jewels of burning gold! Bring me my clutch bag of desire! These are the bits and bobs I've been wearing with my dresses. A good accessory is the definitive ice breaker.

Valorie Glitter Clutch by Anya Hindmarch
Bespoke Shawl by Tina Sparkle
Evil Eye Clutch by Poppy Lissiman
Vintage Ice Box Bag by Delill
Jewellery - mixture of vintage and ASOS

OK one more - WEDDING FIVE.

I returned to pink.

Victor Costa Pink Dress from Lime Green Bow
Diamanté Comets from Meadham Kirchoff
Earrings from Only Child at ASOS

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spigit. Amen.

Right - thank you letters!

Earrings from Butler & Wilson
Yes! Clutch from Anya Hindmarch
Love Hat from Victoria Grant
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon Bag
Shrimps Faux Fur Coat
Dress from Suno
Cuff from Kenneth Jay Lane
Scallop Shorts from Alice McCall
Sophia Webster x Shrimps Shoes
Creed Fleurissimo (created for Grace Kelly on her wedding day)
Cora Heart Shoes from Christian Louboutin

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Fake Fur, Films And French 75s

I like staying up late. I like sleeping late. I like two-hour lunches with wine.*
- Joan Collins 

So this is the one you've all been waiting for...I know, I know, since October. The Premiere, the new release, the opening act, top of the bill, talk of the town (I don't think so), king of the hill, top of the heap etc. When one consciously uncouples with ones clothes, one has to consciously recouple you know! My mind was a blue screen. To casually quote Baudelaire 'Nothing can be done except little by little'... So it's been a work in progress, this epic, montage, storyboard, flash-frame, cinema-scope, whiplash of clothes, swirling about in my head for these past weeks. So, please excuse the proverbial spewing of thoughts on to the (digital) page but here goes: often off script, 
definitely off auto-cue. 

I'd like to thank the Academy..........of friends for the, often aggressive, occasionally threatening, emails of encouragement, each one would leave me thinking You like me! You really like me! Sally Field style. I'd like to thank one friend in particular who said she wouldn't speak to me until I'd written my next instalment. 
(Happy now Kate?? Call me.)

Excuses out the way - OK so we've done January and some of February. Phew. But we still have some dark days ahead people. I am sure I've said this before but my friend says she prescribes herself fur and fake tan for these dreary winter months and I quite agree.  Except I am going to prescribe myself a tan and fake fur....oh and French 75s - but more on that later. I want to focus on fun February things not fitness things! I've thrown out the spirulina and the spiralizer, I have been intentionally careless with my gym kit. What follows are the contenders for the lovely things that have lifted my spirits during the colder months. I've cracked open the champagne, I'm opening the golden envelope.  I'm letting down the fourth wall. I'm ready for my close up Mr DeMille!

The nominations are:

Best New Arrivals

Fake Fur Coats

My main fashion joy in the past months has been fake, colourful fur, unreal fur, fashion fur or whatever you want to call it. It ticks all my boxes so I have been busy expanding my collection. Its warm, it doesn't hurt the little animals, it doesn't moult and (sometimes) it's cheaper. Obviously it all began with my Shrimps clutch (reminisce here) and then the obsession spiralized out of control. I'm 5 and counting. If you asked me if you could borrow my fake fur coat I genuinely, guiltily wouldn't know which one you were talking about.

I would also say no, FYI.

It's become a bit of an obsession. But the thing is doesn't matter what you wear underneath (I suggest pyjamas or nothing ooh la la - not really) they complete your outfit, make you feel like a movie star. They also cover up a multitude of sins and they make you wear colour in the winter. And people want to stroke you. Which is nice, depending who it is. So it's just all great really. There are lots of nice ones left in the dregs of the sales...so all that money you've saved on doing boring dry January, spend it on something that will bring you unremitting joy and warmth in these long chilly months.

Coat from Ainea

For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you will have seen my
Dulcie coat from Shrimps. It's my favourite, Kapow!

Coat from Story of Lola available at ASOS. Slightly bonkers.

Best Supporting Category:

French 75s
(nb. They absolutely will not support you if you drink more than 2)

I have also discovered French 75s! I was always aware of their existence but they've reared their rather beautiful French heads more recently. New Years Day was made A LOT easier with these wonders.  After seeing off  3 rather quickly though we were calling them Turkish 97s  and sluuuuring frankly my dear I don't give a damn! But everything and everyone starts to look rosy and attractive. Here is ze recipe from Simon Hopkinsons wonderful book (best person). SO easy! Best drink after a drought I say. Mix up a few of these darlings and drape yourself on the casting couch.

Best Trousers

Vintage. Tick! Moschino. Tick! Casino related. Tick!

Feather bra-let from Topshop. Vintage Moschino Casino Pants
from Lime Green Bow. Always, always bet on red. Shut up and deal.

Best Dresses

Notable costume performances have come from the following:

Malene Birger Silk Dress with jewelled pockets.

Vintage dress from Lime Green Bow. It's like a firework.
 It satisfies my inner magpie!

Lime Green Bow has a pop up shop at 201 Portobello Road right NOW!
Open for the next two weeks. Info here.

Best Score/Soundtrack

I Love You, Honeybear by Father John Misty. Splendid. Just splendid in every single way. 

Download it here.

An album about musician John Tillman's life, most songs are about him 'engaging in all sorts of regrettable behaviour.'
I like him already.

Best Item To Wear Even Though People Love To Comment On It In An Annoying Way:

Kate Moss for Topshop Silk Day Pyjamas
Cut to Christmas day 2014. INT. old house in the countryside - KITCHEN - DAYTIME - people shouting...My Kate Moss for Topshop Pyjamas. Worn on Christmas Day...you can imagine the jibes I got from the grown-ups. Going back to bed Grace? Forgot to get dressed Grace? etc etc. I pointed out that as long as I was wearing underwear it was all fine.

Best Shoes, Accessories and Headgear

Paul Andrew Velvet Fume Loafer from Avenue 32 sale.
The perfect smart shoe.

Charlotte Simone Popsicle. Love this. Although it should probably go in to the
Best Item To Wear Even Though People Love To Comment On It In An Annoying Way category.
 People like to tug on it and say 'What's this?'

Eugenia Kim Headband. Reminds me of Spring. Hurry up Spring!

And...THE WINNER IS my Victoria Grant wonder. Cocktail anyone? Don't mind if I do. This makes me happier than a seagull with a French 75....oh wait sorry a French fry.

Of all the gin joints in all the world....

Lifetime Achievement Award

You can read about when I first acquired this coat here. It can't be put in any other category - it stands alone. Slightly makes all the banging on about my other coats a bit defunct but hey! It's a star not a starlet. It's Oscar worthy. It's an old-hander. It's Meryl Streep, not Kiera Knightly. It's Robert De Nero, not Eddie Redmayne. It makes me feel like Marilyn when I look like Shrek. It's Gone With The Wind, not Fifty Shades of Grey. Its raindrops on roses. It's whiskers on kittens. It's the meet cute, it's when Harry met Sally, it's Casablanca! When I saw it for the first time I knew it was going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

That's a wrap folks. Don't hold your breath for the sequel.

The End.

Fade out. Roll credits.

*This quote bears absolutely no relevance to the blog post apart from the fact that I like it. February Vibes. Joan Collins gets my vote.

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Victoria Grant - Milliner Extraordinaire

These heavenly headpieces are by the wonderful Victoria Grant. She is a hugely talented milliner and has fans in people such as Lady Gaga, Paloma Faith and Charlotte Olympia Dellal so in wearing her hats - you're in very good company to say the least...

Her hats are have a magical quality to them - they are refreshingly different from all the feathery fascinators on every street corner. They make you feel incredibly special and pretty invincible as soon as you put one on. I never thought I would wear a yellow hat but it just makes sense! Have a look on her Facebook page and drool over the recent features in French Vogue....she's a total SUPERSTAR!

http://www.victoriagrant.co.uk/

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