Four Weddings And A.....Sartorial Nightmare

Gareth: Scarlotta! Fabulous dress. The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange symbolizing the mystical symbiosis in marriage between the heathen and Christian traditions?

Scarlett: That's right.

I just love a wedding. However, the one time I ever wish that I was a man is when it comes to getting ready for someone else's impending nuptials. What bliss to know exactly what you will be wearing (as long as it's back from the dry cleaners) and to just change your tie and socks around a bit. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of people who get wedding dressing right.

There is A LOT to think about, while also trying to look like yourself and not like you've PANICKED...which is often the case with me.

 The weather is the main thing that foxes me. Followed by the footwear issue. In this green and pleasant land we are always in between rainy days and one often finds ones rather smart (always uncomfortable) shoes either sinking into a lawn or being scuffed by a portaloo stairwell. And I'm yet to master the wedge. In the case of erratic weather, the key is to be prepared. I recently found myself in a wind tunnel outside the church and just as the photographer was snapping away - whoosh - up went my skirt, hair wrapped itself around my face and I looked like a pygmy warrior going in to battle.  Only a safety pin could save me.  A torrential down pour just before arriving at the chapel is a disaster - nice weather for Duckfaces but absolutely not for ones brand new crepe silk de chine dress. This situation can only be remedied with an umbrella. Is it still raining?  I had totally noticed.

Then there are the cardinal rules you have to honour and obey.... Never wear white. Don't upstage the bride or groom - (it should be perfectly obvious you're neither) Don't go too short, don't go too long. Don't wear a veil. Don't let me drink too much, because I'll get really flirty. Another one which people often only tell me - never go see through. Sorry, why not? (Apparently nothing worse than a priest with an...anyway) So for chicks, it's a sartorial minefield of pitfalls and patches...a rocky terrain, a divet ridden lawn, a raffia marquee floor if you will, which I for one am currently navigating my way over and around.

Then before every wedding I go to, someone says to me 'Odds on, you meet your future husband at dinner' and when hoping for a table of Dishes, you're then faced with the ghosts of boyfriends past at every turn - so you want to look your very best.  The pressure to look really splendid is really on for those rare and unpredictable cases of Thunderbolt City. You want some dreamboat to say 'Well you look perfect, in fact you probably are perfect.' Not 'I'm sure I can resist you, you're not that cute.'

Also the chances of seeing the same people in the same outfit ratio is pretty high when it comes to weddings. How can I be sure that someone won't turn up in the same thing and leave me feeling that I should be where other people are not? Essentially you want to forget about your outfit, feel like a slightly better version of yourself, enjoy it and think 'this, is a bloody great wedding.'

So in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version...in the words of David Cassidy, in fact, while he was still with the Partridge family...it has to be weather proof, boy proof, girl proof, dance floor proof, bride proof and actually car proof for when someone very generously offers you a lift from the church but you're squashed in the back with a baby seat and dog hair. On the way back to The Lucky Boatman when you're drunkenly singing Tammy Wynette it doesn't matter a jot but when you arrive at the reception line up already looking crumpled, it's just not a good start to the day. And you can't fit a travel iron into a clutch bag.
Believe me, I've tried.

Having had the absolute honour of going to (actually more than) Four Weddings in the last two months, (not a chance of any guest stealing the thunder of these blissful brides - Queens of Sheba every one, not a meringue in sight) I decided to prepare my wedding wardrobe having noticed I'm turning into a bit of a serial monogamist with my clothes, it's one dress after the other...never quite content with my sartorial choices. 

So,well, I thought it over a lot, you know, and this year I wanted to get it just right so after much deliberating I turned to my bible...Vogue - whose altar I worship at. Seeing the following spread on pink, the colour of love (in the words of John Lennon, love is the answer and you know that for sure) I decided to wear variations on a theme for each wedding I attended. What follows are, mainly portaloo shots of my outfits. If you can see any reason why I shouldn't have worn any of them to a wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace. 

JULY VOGUE - THINK PINK

WEDDING ONE

Portaloo shot one. Unfortunately the first outfit was the same colour as the bridesmaids dresses, (unforeseen issue) I couldn't work out why the ushers kept telling me it was time for photographs. 

 Alice McCall two piece
Anya Hindmarch Valorie Glitter Clutch
Ring from Accesorize
Christian Louboutin Nude Decollete Pumps

Headgear by Eugenia Kim

WEDDING TWO

Slightly see through vintage trousers. Not obeying the rules.
Alice McCall Scallop Top
Trousers from Lime Green Bow
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon Bag in ecclesiastical purple
Miu Miu Glitter Heels found on Ebay

WEDDING THREE

Portaloo shot two. My Barbie True Love outfit. Not too mad I hope. I did glitter, feathers, baby pink and shoes with hearts on, all at once. It did feel like slight overkill, but by the end of the evening...a few grass stains, a Moscow mule spill and a few splashes of that blue stuff in portaloos and it looked perfectly dishevelled. Not so much True Love but Barbie through a hedge backwards anyone? 

Dress by Karla Spetic
Feather Coat from By Malene Birger
Anya Hindmarch Valorie Glitter Clutch
Shoooooes from Christian Louboutin

With my parents, before the discovery of the Espresso Martinis. My mother in Pagan orange.

Luckily my dress happened to match the smoke bombs. I love it when that happens.

FOUR WEDDINGS!

I slightly deviated from the pink thing here as it was all getting a bit sickly sweet and I needed a break. Ooooooor so I thought....

Dress from Suno
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon again
Miu Miu T Bar Glitter Shoes

Bring me my jewels of burning gold! Bring me my clutch bag of desire! These are the bits and bobs I've been wearing with my dresses. A good accessory is the definitive ice breaker.

Valorie Glitter Clutch by Anya Hindmarch
Bespoke Shawl by Tina Sparkle
Evil Eye Clutch by Poppy Lissiman
Vintage Ice Box Bag by Delill
Jewellery - mixture of vintage and ASOS

OK one more - WEDDING FIVE.

I returned to pink.

Victor Costa Pink Dress from Lime Green Bow
Diamanté Comets from Meadham Kirchoff
Earrings from Only Child at ASOS

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spigit. Amen.

Right - thank you letters!

Earrings from Butler & Wilson
Yes! Clutch from Anya Hindmarch
Love Hat from Victoria Grant
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon Bag
Shrimps Faux Fur Coat
Dress from Suno
Cuff from Kenneth Jay Lane
Scallop Shorts from Alice McCall
Sophia Webster x Shrimps Shoes
Creed Fleurissimo (created for Grace Kelly on her wedding day)
Cora Heart Shoes from Christian Louboutin

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Fake Fur, Films And French 75s

I like staying up late. I like sleeping late. I like two-hour lunches with wine.*
- Joan Collins 

So this is the one you've all been waiting for...I know, I know, since October. The Premiere, the new release, the opening act, top of the bill, talk of the town (I don't think so), king of the hill, top of the heap etc. When one consciously uncouples with ones clothes, one has to consciously recouple you know! My mind was a blue screen. To casually quote Baudelaire 'Nothing can be done except little by little'... So it's been a work in progress, this epic, montage, storyboard, flash-frame, cinema-scope, whiplash of clothes, swirling about in my head for these past weeks. So, please excuse the proverbial spewing of thoughts on to the (digital) page but here goes: often off script, 
definitely off auto-cue. 

I'd like to thank the Academy..........of friends for the, often aggressive, occasionally threatening, emails of encouragement, each one would leave me thinking You like me! You really like me! Sally Field style. I'd like to thank one friend in particular who said she wouldn't speak to me until I'd written my next instalment. 
(Happy now Kate?? Call me.)

Excuses out the way - OK so we've done January and some of February. Phew. But we still have some dark days ahead people. I am sure I've said this before but my friend says she prescribes herself fur and fake tan for these dreary winter months and I quite agree.  Except I am going to prescribe myself a tan and fake fur....oh and French 75s - but more on that later. I want to focus on fun February things not fitness things! I've thrown out the spirulina and the spiralizer, I have been intentionally careless with my gym kit. What follows are the contenders for the lovely things that have lifted my spirits during the colder months. I've cracked open the champagne, I'm opening the golden envelope.  I'm letting down the fourth wall. I'm ready for my close up Mr DeMille!

The nominations are:

Best New Arrivals

Fake Fur Coats

My main fashion joy in the past months has been fake, colourful fur, unreal fur, fashion fur or whatever you want to call it. It ticks all my boxes so I have been busy expanding my collection. Its warm, it doesn't hurt the little animals, it doesn't moult and (sometimes) it's cheaper. Obviously it all began with my Shrimps clutch (reminisce here) and then the obsession spiralized out of control. I'm 5 and counting. If you asked me if you could borrow my fake fur coat I genuinely, guiltily wouldn't know which one you were talking about.

I would also say no, FYI.

It's become a bit of an obsession. But the thing is doesn't matter what you wear underneath (I suggest pyjamas or nothing ooh la la - not really) they complete your outfit, make you feel like a movie star. They also cover up a multitude of sins and they make you wear colour in the winter. And people want to stroke you. Which is nice, depending who it is. So it's just all great really. There are lots of nice ones left in the dregs of the sales...so all that money you've saved on doing boring dry January, spend it on something that will bring you unremitting joy and warmth in these long chilly months.

Coat from Ainea

For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you will have seen my
Dulcie coat from Shrimps. It's my favourite, Kapow!

Coat from Story of Lola available at ASOS. Slightly bonkers.

Best Supporting Category:

French 75s
(nb. They absolutely will not support you if you drink more than 2)

I have also discovered French 75s! I was always aware of their existence but they've reared their rather beautiful French heads more recently. New Years Day was made A LOT easier with these wonders.  After seeing off  3 rather quickly though we were calling them Turkish 97s  and sluuuuring frankly my dear I don't give a damn! But everything and everyone starts to look rosy and attractive. Here is ze recipe from Simon Hopkinsons wonderful book (best person). SO easy! Best drink after a drought I say. Mix up a few of these darlings and drape yourself on the casting couch.

Best Trousers

Vintage. Tick! Moschino. Tick! Casino related. Tick!

Feather bra-let from Topshop. Vintage Moschino Casino Pants
from Lime Green Bow. Always, always bet on red. Shut up and deal.

Best Dresses

Notable costume performances have come from the following:

Malene Birger Silk Dress with jewelled pockets.

Vintage dress from Lime Green Bow. It's like a firework.
 It satisfies my inner magpie!

Lime Green Bow has a pop up shop at 201 Portobello Road right NOW!
Open for the next two weeks. Info here.

Best Score/Soundtrack

I Love You, Honeybear by Father John Misty. Splendid. Just splendid in every single way. 

Download it here.

An album about musician John Tillman's life, most songs are about him 'engaging in all sorts of regrettable behaviour.'
I like him already.

Best Item To Wear Even Though People Love To Comment On It In An Annoying Way:

Kate Moss for Topshop Silk Day Pyjamas
Cut to Christmas day 2014. INT. old house in the countryside - KITCHEN - DAYTIME - people shouting...My Kate Moss for Topshop Pyjamas. Worn on Christmas Day...you can imagine the jibes I got from the grown-ups. Going back to bed Grace? Forgot to get dressed Grace? etc etc. I pointed out that as long as I was wearing underwear it was all fine.

Best Shoes, Accessories and Headgear

Paul Andrew Velvet Fume Loafer from Avenue 32 sale.
The perfect smart shoe.

Charlotte Simone Popsicle. Love this. Although it should probably go in to the
Best Item To Wear Even Though People Love To Comment On It In An Annoying Way category.
 People like to tug on it and say 'What's this?'

Eugenia Kim Headband. Reminds me of Spring. Hurry up Spring!

And...THE WINNER IS my Victoria Grant wonder. Cocktail anyone? Don't mind if I do. This makes me happier than a seagull with a French 75....oh wait sorry a French fry.

Of all the gin joints in all the world....

Lifetime Achievement Award

You can read about when I first acquired this coat here. It can't be put in any other category - it stands alone. Slightly makes all the banging on about my other coats a bit defunct but hey! It's a star not a starlet. It's Oscar worthy. It's an old-hander. It's Meryl Streep, not Kiera Knightly. It's Robert De Nero, not Eddie Redmayne. It makes me feel like Marilyn when I look like Shrek. It's Gone With The Wind, not Fifty Shades of Grey. Its raindrops on roses. It's whiskers on kittens. It's the meet cute, it's when Harry met Sally, it's Casablanca! When I saw it for the first time I knew it was going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

That's a wrap folks. Don't hold your breath for the sequel.

The End.

Fade out. Roll credits.

*This quote bears absolutely no relevance to the blog post apart from the fact that I like it. February Vibes. Joan Collins gets my vote.

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Wanting For Winter

“Listen! The wind is rising, and the air is wild with leaves,
We have had our summer evenings, now for October eves!” 
-Humbert Wolfe

Why is it that I spend all year wishing for summer and then half way through I get a burning desire to snuggle up in a jumper? In the hottest week of the year all I can think about is sitting by the fire drinking red wine. But then when you are actually sitting by the fire with red wine all you want to do is be sitting by the pool with an Aperol Spritz. However with a slight chill in the air today after the tail end of a hurricane, I feel I am justified in compiling a wish-list for the coming season.




APC Felt Trilby
Topshop Lace Crop
Eddie Borgo Necklace
Bionda Castana Red Heels
Antonio Marras Lace Top and Trousers
Olympia Le-Tan Clutch
Eugenia Kim Floral Headband
Ainea Faux Fur Coat
Ballet Beautiful Shoes
Charlotte Olympia Glance Alot Pouch
Merchant Archive Metallic Floral Jumpsuit

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Fight Night

What to wear when you realise that you are about to spend an evening in the company of a load of glamorous and beautiful people out-dressing each other? It's been a while since I have been to a bit of a do...so I racked my brains to come up with something snazzy. As my friend pointed out, it's a boxing match...you don't have to look classy if you catch my drift! It ain't the opera. And in my opinion a touch of trash never hurt anyone.

I found inspiration in the unlikely guise of Victoria Beckham. I can honestly say I've never before looked to VB for good fashion ideas. The only thing in common I have with her is that I too keep my mouth closed while being photographed. But I saw pictures of her and Mr. Perfect at the Met Ball recently - simple in white and I knew exactly what to do....which was call my dry cleaners. I was thinking WHITE and I was thinking JEWELS and I was thinking FEATHERS.



 In the Reiss sale last Summer I bought a pure white jumpsuit sample which I found in a heap on the floor of the store collecting dust-bunnies. I took it to my beautiful laundrette and left it there.*
Until last week that is, when it came in to its own on the most beautiful night of the year so far.

*we have a storage arrangement as I have run out of hanging space and he's got loads.

VB & DB

This is the beautiful blogger Natalie Joos of Tales of Endearment.
She gave me the idea to add  feathers and go top to toe white.
 Follow her on Instagram!

The evening was The Charge Ball held at the glorious Syon Park in Chiswick in aid of Tusk - a really wonderful charity which funds wildlife conservation, community development and environmental programmes across Africa. To learn more about their work visit here

Syon Park

I was terrified of doing the white thing. All it takes is a bump, knock or elbow and it's game over. The last time I wore white, somebody sloshed a glass of rouge down the front. I spent the evening in a portaloo with a tin of table salt and a sympathetic friend. I proceeded to run the dress under a tap and then sat on a stray receipt which then imprinted the following on my bottom  'PERCY PIG X1 £2.50, LADIES TIGHTS 20 DENIER X1 £3.73, CASH TENDERED' etc etc. I had to go home.

The carrier bag contains a change of outfit in the event that there was a code-red wine incident. 

Or in case I got too close to the blood, sweat and tears.

Boxing. 

Then this happened, ringside. My life is complete. The style guru Marc-Francis Vandelli appeared like a vision in blue satin and kept growling at my feathers all evening, in a good way. Apart from my hand looking weird, this is one of my favourite pictures of all time. Hello new screensaver.

NBF

Apart from a small mark I came away relatively unscathed despite getting pretty close to the action and gallivanting until 3am. So it's going back to live at my laundrette until I feel another Posh Spice moment coming on.

Ciao for now!

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Spring Wish List

Anya Hindmarch Crisp Packet Clutch

By Malene Birger Silk Scarf

ASOS 3D Earrings

By Malene Birger Satin Trim Coat

Aperlai Metallic Mules 

Eugenia Kim Sylvie Headband

Kotur Margo Floral Tulle Clutch

Topshop Embroidered Satin Shift

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