Four Weddings And A.....Sartorial Nightmare

Gareth: Scarlotta! Fabulous dress. The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange symbolizing the mystical symbiosis in marriage between the heathen and Christian traditions?

Scarlett: That's right.

I just love a wedding. However, the one time I ever wish that I was a man is when it comes to getting ready for someone else's impending nuptials. What bliss to know exactly what you will be wearing (as long as it's back from the dry cleaners) and to just change your tie and socks around a bit. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of people who get wedding dressing right.

There is A LOT to think about, while also trying to look like yourself and not like you've PANICKED...which is often the case with me.

 The weather is the main thing that foxes me. Followed by the footwear issue. In this green and pleasant land we are always in between rainy days and one often finds ones rather smart (always uncomfortable) shoes either sinking into a lawn or being scuffed by a portaloo stairwell. And I'm yet to master the wedge. In the case of erratic weather, the key is to be prepared. I recently found myself in a wind tunnel outside the church and just as the photographer was snapping away - whoosh - up went my skirt, hair wrapped itself around my face and I looked like a pygmy warrior going in to battle.  Only a safety pin could save me.  A torrential down pour just before arriving at the chapel is a disaster - nice weather for Duckfaces but absolutely not for ones brand new crepe silk de chine dress. This situation can only be remedied with an umbrella. Is it still raining?  I had totally noticed.

Then there are the cardinal rules you have to honour and obey.... Never wear white. Don't upstage the bride or groom - (it should be perfectly obvious you're neither) Don't go too short, don't go too long. Don't wear a veil. Don't let me drink too much, because I'll get really flirty. Another one which people often only tell me - never go see through. Sorry, why not? (Apparently nothing worse than a priest with an...anyway) So for chicks, it's a sartorial minefield of pitfalls and patches...a rocky terrain, a divet ridden lawn, a raffia marquee floor if you will, which I for one am currently navigating my way over and around.

Then before every wedding I go to, someone says to me 'Odds on, you meet your future husband at dinner' and when hoping for a table of Dishes, you're then faced with the ghosts of boyfriends past at every turn - so you want to look your very best.  The pressure to look really splendid is really on for those rare and unpredictable cases of Thunderbolt City. You want some dreamboat to say 'Well you look perfect, in fact you probably are perfect.' Not 'I'm sure I can resist you, you're not that cute.'

Also the chances of seeing the same people in the same outfit ratio is pretty high when it comes to weddings. How can I be sure that someone won't turn up in the same thing and leave me feeling that I should be where other people are not? Essentially you want to forget about your outfit, feel like a slightly better version of yourself, enjoy it and think 'this, is a bloody great wedding.'

So in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version...in the words of David Cassidy, in fact, while he was still with the Partridge family...it has to be weather proof, boy proof, girl proof, dance floor proof, bride proof and actually car proof for when someone very generously offers you a lift from the church but you're squashed in the back with a baby seat and dog hair. On the way back to The Lucky Boatman when you're drunkenly singing Tammy Wynette it doesn't matter a jot but when you arrive at the reception line up already looking crumpled, it's just not a good start to the day. And you can't fit a travel iron into a clutch bag.
Believe me, I've tried.

Having had the absolute honour of going to (actually more than) Four Weddings in the last two months, (not a chance of any guest stealing the thunder of these blissful brides - Queens of Sheba every one, not a meringue in sight) I decided to prepare my wedding wardrobe having noticed I'm turning into a bit of a serial monogamist with my clothes, it's one dress after the other...never quite content with my sartorial choices. 

So,well, I thought it over a lot, you know, and this year I wanted to get it just right so after much deliberating I turned to my bible...Vogue - whose altar I worship at. Seeing the following spread on pink, the colour of love (in the words of John Lennon, love is the answer and you know that for sure) I decided to wear variations on a theme for each wedding I attended. What follows are, mainly portaloo shots of my outfits. If you can see any reason why I shouldn't have worn any of them to a wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace. 

JULY VOGUE - THINK PINK

WEDDING ONE

Portaloo shot one. Unfortunately the first outfit was the same colour as the bridesmaids dresses, (unforeseen issue) I couldn't work out why the ushers kept telling me it was time for photographs. 

 Alice McCall two piece
Anya Hindmarch Valorie Glitter Clutch
Ring from Accesorize
Christian Louboutin Nude Decollete Pumps

Headgear by Eugenia Kim

WEDDING TWO

Slightly see through vintage trousers. Not obeying the rules.
Alice McCall Scallop Top
Trousers from Lime Green Bow
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon Bag in ecclesiastical purple
Miu Miu Glitter Heels found on Ebay

WEDDING THREE

Portaloo shot two. My Barbie True Love outfit. Not too mad I hope. I did glitter, feathers, baby pink and shoes with hearts on, all at once. It did feel like slight overkill, but by the end of the evening...a few grass stains, a Moscow mule spill and a few splashes of that blue stuff in portaloos and it looked perfectly dishevelled. Not so much True Love but Barbie through a hedge backwards anyone? 

Dress by Karla Spetic
Feather Coat from By Malene Birger
Anya Hindmarch Valorie Glitter Clutch
Shoooooes from Christian Louboutin

With my parents, before the discovery of the Espresso Martinis. My mother in Pagan orange.

Luckily my dress happened to match the smoke bombs. I love it when that happens.

FOUR WEDDINGS!

I slightly deviated from the pink thing here as it was all getting a bit sickly sweet and I needed a break. Ooooooor so I thought....

Dress from Suno
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon again
Miu Miu T Bar Glitter Shoes

Bring me my jewels of burning gold! Bring me my clutch bag of desire! These are the bits and bobs I've been wearing with my dresses. A good accessory is the definitive ice breaker.

Valorie Glitter Clutch by Anya Hindmarch
Bespoke Shawl by Tina Sparkle
Evil Eye Clutch by Poppy Lissiman
Vintage Ice Box Bag by Delill
Jewellery - mixture of vintage and ASOS

OK one more - WEDDING FIVE.

I returned to pink.

Victor Costa Pink Dress from Lime Green Bow
Diamanté Comets from Meadham Kirchoff
Earrings from Only Child at ASOS

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spigit. Amen.

Right - thank you letters!

Earrings from Butler & Wilson
Yes! Clutch from Anya Hindmarch
Love Hat from Victoria Grant
Charlotte Simone Bon Bon Bag
Shrimps Faux Fur Coat
Dress from Suno
Cuff from Kenneth Jay Lane
Scallop Shorts from Alice McCall
Sophia Webster x Shrimps Shoes
Creed Fleurissimo (created for Grace Kelly on her wedding day)
Cora Heart Shoes from Christian Louboutin

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